


The Misadventures of Ratman and Spidercat

by RonniRotten



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Bullying, Innuendo, Other, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Violent Thoughts, do not copy to other sites, eventual dukexiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2020-08-19 15:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonniRotten/pseuds/RonniRotten
Summary: The original Dynamic Duo in the Thomasphere was not Virgil and Patton. Oh no, Remus was his partner in crime for years. They were the top pranksters in the mindscape until Virgil had his doubts and left. These are their stories.They are not in chronological order. Once everything is done, I'm gonna reorder the chapters





	1. Worth 1000 Swears

"Oh Scare Bear!" Remus sang before appearing in Virgil's room–last time he showed without warning he got a boot to the face. Luckily the emo was alert but relatively calm, listening to music with his feet kicked up on the headboard.

"Well at least I know what that rancid smell was." Virgil sighed and paused his music. Remus laughed and shook his head.

"You know just what to say! I thought that shower might've made me smell like Princey!" 

"Don't worry, that will never happen, even with soap. The guy reeks of Disney perfume!" 

"Sniffing my brother and looking through his perfumes? That's on my level of creepy!" 

"They sell it at Hot Topic, he drowns himself in it, I can't help it if I can smell it." 

"Sweet Guillermo del Toro, Seriously!?" Remus cheered before keeling over to mimic a hyena. Virgil rolled onto his stomach, setting his music aside and scooting forward to peek over the edge at the duke. 

"Did you have a reason for dropping in or were you just  _ so bored _ ?” Virgil questioned, rolling his eyes at the dramatic emphasis he added for Remus’ amusement. The duke was still wheezing on the floor, but his impish grin faltered. 

“I don’t just come by when I’m bored or scheming!” he pouted, furrowing his brow. Virgil shrugged and hummed with a teasing lilt.

"But you never come without at least an hour's notice." 

"You know I can't help it when the feeling hits and I just explode!" 

"You're up to something." Virgil deadpanned. Remus giggled and got up with a wiggle. 

"I just got the best idea to prank the others!" Remus squealed. Virgil raised an eyebrow and sat up. 

"Go on." 

"Okay, so Snakey and the tangerine are used to me popping up out of nowhere but there are some places I can't get and I can't be in more than one place at a time." 

"You want to scare them." Virge mused with just a touch of emphasis on the word 'scare.' He smirked as Remus' grin nearly split his face. 

"Yeah, think you can help?” Remus fluttered his lashes for emphasis. Virgil snorted.

“I can, if you promise to take a proper shower.”

"Goodie! First thing's first, the materials. I need you to make me look scary as hell—"

"You don't need me for that, Septic Squire."

"Yeah I do—I need to look as scary as possible to each of the victims. You know better than anyone. Then you take a few pictures of me and we print them out and hide them in their rooms and stuff!" 

"They're gonna flip and try to kill us."

"That's nothing new, Spidercat." 

"Let's get started, Ratman."

* * *

Virgil was perched atop the fridge, scrolling through tumblr on his phone and sipping from a juicebox. Remus had to tie up a few loose ends in the imagination after their photoshoot. He made sure he would be able to hear anything that came from the rest of the mindscape. All of it.

Virgil was just about to reblog a picture of a fluffy chicken when a horrible sound pierced the air. It was a mix of a fox and a dying badger. He smirked and pulled his hood up to make himself less obvious when the other side arrived.

But he never did find his way to the kitchen. Virgil could hear the shouts, the threats, the sheer rage coming from down the hall. Remus’ cackling floated above the chaos only to spread it further. He didn’t mention Virgil’s involvement, it was an unspoken thing. The only part of the argument Virgil could recall was Remus’ threat:

“If you even think about laying a finger on Spidercat I will gouge out your eyes with a pudding cup and make you eat them.” 

It was a calm comfort for about an hour. 

Remus was in his room, polishing his morning star, calming down from the yelling match he had with the tangerine. He figured it would be best to check in with Virgil, who certainly heard everything. But he was summoned before he could sink out.

He arose in the hidden kitchen and spotted Virgil on the fridge, snickering. Deceit was glaring up at him, tapping his foot impatiently. He kept his eyes on the emo above him and spoke plainly,

“Remus, what is it you two are hiding?” he asked coldly, squinting as Virgil’s snickers escalated into devilish giggles. Remus beamed and shrugged,

“The hell if I know! He’s probably laughing at that triangle video, the sexy one.” he hummed, masking the giggles ready to bubbly through his lips. Deceit made a gagging sound and sighed. He spun on his heels with some semblance of dignity and headed for the pantry. He would have to make dinner soon.

Remus pressed a finger to his lips while Deceit was distracted, telling Virgil to stay quiet for just a moment longer. He covered his mouth with his sleeve and waited with bated breath as Deceit grabbed the handle. He couldn’t hold back a squeak when he turned the knob. Remus was holding his breath as the door creaked open.

“What the everloving—!” Deceit shrieked and stumbled backward. He clutched his hand to his chest and gawked. Taped to the front of the shelves, there was an image of Remus, dressed as a Victorian tavern wench, showing some ankle, with lustful eyes and a coy smirk.

“Which one of you—?!” he gasped, his human face turning a lovely shade of enraged scarlet, “This is an abomination!”

“Thank you!” Remus cheered, vibrating in his place from glee. Virgil was faring about as well as his co conspirator.

“That wasn’t a compliment!” Deceit hissed and threw his arms up in exasperation, “I nearly shat myself because of that–that  _ thing _ !”

“Hot!” Remus purred jokingly, “That’s all I ever wanted to hear you say, Dee-Dee!” That’s when the floodgates burst and Virgil curled into himself, cackling. Deceit sneered and glared between the both of them.

“I expect that will be removed when I get back. I can  _ certainly _ guarantee your safety if you don’t!” he snarled, and stormed off, snapping his cape around himself dramatically, leaving the damn dynamic duo to laugh until it hurt. It was worth it the pain. And it was worth the shower.


	2. Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre Accepting Anxiety.  
Just after "Losing My Motivation" Virgil/Anxiety has had it with Princey and gets revenge with his partner in crime.

Remus absolutely loved to turn his room into the barber shop from Sweeney Todd. He danced around singing songs from the musical, flailing his arms while brandishing a razor. His back was to the barber chair as he sang about his “friends” when... 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

Remus closed the blade with a smirk and spun on the balls of his feet to greet his guest. Virgil was sitting with his knees over the armrest, leaning into them, looking like a homicidal snack. 

"I haven't even started shaving you yet!" Remus laughed. The death glare Virgil shot him shut him up real fast, and made him pout. He made the razor disappear are transformed his room into a bedroom. 

"What's up, Carnage Patch Kid?" he pressed before flopping on the bed next to Virgil. Virgil in turn grunted and threw his head back exasperatedly.

"His Royal Highn-ass is such a—"

"Mean, snobby, spoiled brat?" Remus offered.

"God yes! I get pulled into a ridiculous Sherlock role play and he shows up and immediately starts accusing me of causing trouble as if that's all I do! What is his deal!?"

"He has a sword up his butt. Wanna yank it out and watch him bleed and shit himself?" Remus offered and scooted closer to his partner in crime. 

"Got anything less violent?" 

"Make him walk through a sea of piss."

"I don't feel like cleaning that mess up." 

"What if we just peed in his drink?"

"Tempting but not enough. And why piss?" 

"I dunno, I think he should try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir."

"That's an evil trick, Sir." 

"True, sir, true!" Remus giggled. Virgil turned his head and smirked at him, his eyes alight with an idea. 

"What if we covered his floor with cups of water, dyed yellow, while he's sleeping?" Virge mused. Remus grinned wickedly.

"That's a lot of cups. Can we piss in some of them? It'll make him think they're all full of piss!" Remus sang, shimmying his shoulders. Virgil snorted and nodded.

"That'll bring the royal pain down to our level."

* * *

Roman woke the next morning and stretched, letting his sheets cascade from his frame elegantly. He rubbed his eyes and sniffed, his expression souring. He was dry but the scent that hit him suggested otherwise. And then he saw his floor. 

"Remus!" he shrieked venomously, and loudly enough to wake the dynamic duo dozing in the next room. They decided to take their time, not interested in dealing with him just yet. And with the condition of his room, they certainly had time.

"Fantastic!" Roman huffed to himself, unable to banish his brother's crude creation. Red solo cups filled halfway with a suspicious dark yellow liquid covered his entire floor. He would be damned if he had to walk through them barefoot and stain his white silken pajama pants in the process. He could see them as far as his bathroom, and inside his morning haven. Someone would pay—the culprit and the first person to come to his aid.

And they were one in the same. Anxiety knocked and opened the door—the sneaky bastard who corrupted his room made sure the door could open. He didn't step inside, but instead leaned against the doorway and flashed a dastardly smirk. Roman swore he heard snickering in the hall too.

"Hey there Princey, bad dream?" he teased. 

"Hardly, unless this situation is all a dream! And it most certainly is not! It's as much a foul nightmare as you!" he snapped. Virgil shrugged, hiding the pain from that jab. 

"Interesting perspective, Sir Bitch-a-lot. I guess being trapped by tap water makes you grumpy." He idly inspected his nails, admiring the black and purple design Remus painted on them after the stage was set—he really liked that color. Roman sputtered indignantly and glared at him.

"Don't try to trick me, Paramoron!" the prince snarled, "You and I can both smell it!"

"Smell what?" Virgil feigned ignorance, and fairly well too, "All I smell is a stubborn coward accusing me of something when I'm innocent. Is that a habit or am I that special?" 

"Innocent!? You petty little worrywart! I know you can smell the pee, Anxiety!" 

"Pee?" Anxiety scoffed and shook his head, "I can't smell any. And I thought Remus had a strange imagination!"

"You rotten little—When I get my hands on you!" 

"Sink out and do it, but know that Remus' door is locked, my room is your worst nightmare, and Dad and Logic are in the common room." Virgil mused, knowing no one could rise up in the hall, "Oh and nice bedhead." he added with a wicked smirk.

"I will throttle you both with my bare hands!" Roman snapped and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He was an enraged bull ready to charge. 

"Don't threaten me with a good time!" Anxiety jeered, causing the hidden duke to snicker. That was the final straw!

Roman shot up out of bed, knocking over a few cups. He surged forward, wincing as the red and white wall fell into a sea of dark yellow. The lukewarm liquid splashing over his bare feet made him cringe, but his jaw was set and his eyes were ablaze. 

He reached the safe point where the door could open and close, the bottoms of his pant legs stained amber from the horrendous journey. Virgil would have keeled over laughing if the prince hadn't grabbed his jaw with intent to shatter it. 

"Ready for that 'good time' you unsavory night terror?!" Roman snarled. 

"Why are you getting worked up over water with food coloring?" Virgil asked, scowling at the prince. 

"My nose isn't deceiving me, Anxiety." 

"Hey, Ratman," Virgil called out to Remus, who skipped over with a smile, "Make all the cups with piss disappear." 

"Of course my darling Spidercat!" Remus declared, mimicking his brother purposely. Roman sneered at him as he willed four cups from the room and held them with his tentacles.

"Got em!" he cheered, "All of them!" Roman took that as a sign to check his room. The number of cups on the floor hadn't changed. He snarled at the pair, tightening his grip on Virgil's jaw. 

"He said all of them!" 

"That's all of them, Princey." Virgil huffed through gritted teeth, "He’s holding them!” 

"He's not lying. These beauties were under your bed!" Remus laughed as he made the cups disintegrate before their eyes. 

"Why!?" the prince groaned, letting go of the emo.

"To trick you, dumbass!" 

"Again, why!?" Roman barked. Remus shrugged and glanced at his partner in crime. 

"Tell me why!" 

"Call it three cheers for sweet revenge," Virgil mused and mock saluted him, "until next time!" He and Remus vanished, leaving Roman flabbergasted and murderous.

* * *

"Did that go as expected?" Remus questioned when they arrived in Virgil's room. Even at that distance the prince's fury was as audible as a firecracker. 

"It could have gone worse. Give me a minute to soak it in." Virgil chuckled and fell back on his bed, "You mind staying here a while?" 

"Only if we can cuddle and take a nap. It was a long night."

"Sure. Just keep those extra arms where they belong, Octopup." 

"Keep kraken jokes like that and I can't promise anything!" Remus sang before leaping onto the bed and curling up to Virgil's side, like a hyper puppy. Virgil rolled over and wrapped an arm around him.

"Sweet Dreams, Virge." 

"Happy Nightmares, Ree.”


	3. Too Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, I didn't forget about this!

It was a common occurrence for Remus to be bored when Roman had most of the creative work to manage. It was just agony to have nothing to do that didn't get old—Roman was busy, Logan and Patton were busy, and Deceit was working overtime now that Thomas was coming to terms with himself but still lying. Virgil was always busy too, and he had no time for Remus anymore. The Duke would change that!

It was a brilliant idea—a terrible and brilliant idea. Virgil was out of his room looking for darker eyeshadow or dealing with the obnoxious sides. 

It was simple, break into Virgil's room and copy himself until there was no space on the floor. He had a whole lot more in the bag if that didn't get enough of a reaction. All he had to do was wait. 

Virgil was not happy about getting forced into a debate with Logic and embarrassed like that. He just wanted to go to his room and blast some good old Paramore maybe something heavier. 

He opened the door to his room and was met by A chorus of dukes shouting, "Hey there Scare Bear!" He blamed his tiredness as he trying to understand what he was seeing. Remuses filled his room covering the entire floor leaving no space for him to reach his bed. 

"What the hell!?" He shouted before slamming the door and opening it again to be sure he wasn't hallucinating.

The next thing he saw was Remus in the mankini from Borat holding a giant beach ball. And his room was covered in sand. Someone would die. 

Virgil growled and slammed the door again. He opened it and saw Remus dressed as a Victorian Barber holding a straight razor in the attic from Sweeney Todd. Virgil snarled and slammed his door shut yet again. He was not in the mood to play games.

He thought he would have some luck with this next try, but no. Remus decided to turn his room into a sauna, literally, and was lounging on the bench with his towel falling off. Virgil didn't hesitate to shut the door quickly before he saw too much.

He opened the door again and this was the final straw. Everything was normal from the duke's outfit to the interior of his room. What was not normal was the figure of Gerard Way, standing next to Remus in a trance-like state, and Remus was holding him to his chest, licking his cheek. Was nothing sacred!?

"Remus get the fuck out of my room!" Virgil ordered in his tempest tongue. His eyes were glowing purple and his spider traits were becoming more apparent, his extra legs extending from his back.

"Gotcha!" Remus cheered and shimmied, "Bye!" He sank out with his usual flourish, leaving Virgil to fume.

* * *

Remus was busy doing something in the imagination. That was all the opening Virgil needed to beat the creative thot at his own game. 

It was simple really, hide in the closet and jump out at the unsuspecting duke. Since Virgil wasn't likely to scare him dressed as himself, he was in the most vile disguise Remus couldn't think of—it was perfect! 

Remus came back into his room suddenly, holding a gift wrapped in red paper. He got it from Roman, a Split Day gift to say "glad I'm not stuck with you!" He would have opened it if it weren't for the look on Roman's face. The prince might be an actor but he was a terrible liar. Prank gifts get sentenced to the back of the closest! 

Virgil heard him coming closer and steadied his breathing. This was gonna be good. Remus didn't know what was coming when he opened that door.

"Oh hey there!" A muffled voice greeted. Remus dropped the gift and summoned his morning star, swinging it at the side in the neon pink cat costume. 

Virgil caught it mid swing and placed his free hand on his hip.

"Now that wasn't nice!" he huffed, his voice higher and muffled by the mask. Remus dropped the weapon and scrambled to tear that mask off and give the bastard a piece of his mind. 

"Patton?!"

"Yeppers! Don't mind me I was just cleaning out all that Satanic memorabilia!" Virgil giggled doing his best impression. He hadn't touched a thing, Patton would never enter someone's room and mess with their stuff without permission, but it was one of those nagging fears that Remus had at the back of his mind that he logicked away. 

"WHAT!?" Remus shrieked and shoved "Patton" aside. He looked inside his closet and saw that everything was in its place, but sparkly and pastel. He was going to murder someone! 

A wicked evil laugh erupted behind him. He spun on his heels and growled at the back of his throat. Virgil was in the costume, wearing those stupid glasses without his eyeshadow—no one could laugh like that except for him.

"You son of a bitch!" Remus snarled. Virgil kept laughing as he dodged every hit the Duke tried to land. 

"That—That's what—what you get!" Virgil cackled. Remus huffed indignantly and crossed his arms.

"You suck, Vampire Bait."

"So do you." 

"True but I'm not an asshole! Goddamn!" Remus huffed. Virgil's laughter was getting to him. He couldn't really stay mad after the stunt he pulled.

"You are what you eat, you dragon witch cunt!" Virgil wheezed. Remus smirked and shrugged—he wasn't about to deny that statement. It was one of the few things that saved his ass when he caused trouble.

"Yeah but whose ass are you eating?" 

"As if you have to ask!" Virgil jeered and winked at him before vanishing. Now he was curious.


End file.
